Gita for Life · Situations
What does the Gita say about family and relationships?
5 passages of the Gita on this question. Each shows what the verse says, why it belongs here, and Śrīla Prabhupāda’s explanation.
In short
The Gītā does not ask you to love your family less. It asks you to love them better: without possessiveness, as your duty, seeing them as eternal souls, with Kṛṣṇa at the centre.
Love them, but don’t try to own them. Serve them, but don’t forget Kṛṣṇa.
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Love for family is natural, but it can cloud our judgment
na ca śreyo ’nupaśyāmi Bhagavad-gītā 1.31
What the verse says
Facing his own relatives on the battlefield, Arjuna can see no good in fighting them and wants no victory or happiness at their cost. Soon he admits he is confused about his duty and asks Kṛṣṇa to teach him 2.7. The whole Gītā begins from a family problem.
Read 1.31 in Bhagavad-gītā As It Is
I do not see how any good can come from killing my own kinsmen in this battle, nor can I, my dear Kṛṣṇa, desire any subsequent victory, kingdom, or happiness.
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains that, forgetting that our real interest lies in Kṛṣṇa, we look for happiness in bodily relationships.
“conditioned souls are attracted by bodily relationships, hoping to be happy in such situations”
Lesson
Strong feelings for your family are not wrong. But when they make it hard to see what is right, do what Arjuna did: stop, and ask for guidance.
Example
A mother who can never say “no” to her son loves him dearly, yet that same attachment can stop her from doing what is truly good for him.
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The people we love are eternal souls
dehino ’smin yathā dehe Bhagavad-gītā 2.13
What the verse says
Just as the soul passes from boyhood to youth to old age in this body, at death it passes into another body. The wise are not bewildered by this change.
Read 2.13 in Bhagavad-gītā As It Is
As the embodied soul continually passes, in this body, from boyhood to youth to old age, the soul similarly passes into another body at death. The self-realized soul is not bewildered by such a change.
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains
Śrīla Prabhupāda points out that the body keeps changing, but the person within it, the soul, does not.
“Yet the same spirit soul is there and does not undergo any change.”
Lesson
Love the person, not only the body, the role or the age. A relationship between souls does not end when a body ends.
Example
Open an old family album: the baby, the schoolboy and the grandfather are one person. The body changed; he did not.
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Love without possessiveness
putra-dāra-gṛhādiṣu Bhagavad-gītā 13.8–12
What the verse says
Among the qualities Kṛṣṇa calls real knowledge is “nonattachment to children, wife, home and the rest, and evenmindedness amid pleasant and unpleasant events.”
Read 13.8–12 in Bhagavad-gītā As It Is
Humility, pridelessness, nonviolence, tolerance, simplicity, approaching a bona fide spiritual master, cleanliness, steadiness and self-control; renunciation of the objects of sense gratification, absence of false ego, the perception of the evil of birth, death, old age and disease; nonattachment to children, wife, home and the rest, and evenmindedness amid pleasant and unpleasant events; constant and unalloyed devotion to Me, resorting to solitary places, detachment from the general mass of people; accepting the importance of self-realization, and philosophical search for the Absolute Truth—all these I thus declare to be knowledge, and what is contrary to these is ignorance.
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains
Śrīla Prabhupāda makes clear that this does not mean having no feeling for family. Family members are natural objects of affection; we should only not be attached when that attachment stands in the way of spiritual progress.
“it is not meant that one should have no feeling for these. They are natural objects of affection”
Lesson
Care for their welfare without trying to own or control them. Love gives; possessiveness holds on.
Example
A gardener waters and protects a plant with all his heart, but he does not think he made the flower. He serves its growth; he does not own it.
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Feel their joy and pain as your own
ātmaupamyena sarvatra Bhagavad-gītā 6.32
What the verse says
The perfect yogī, by comparing others with himself, sees the true equality of all beings in their happiness and their distress.
Read 6.32 in Bhagavad-gītā As It Is
He is a perfect yogī who, by comparison to his own self, sees the true equality of all beings, both in their happiness and distress, O Arjuna!
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains that such a person understands everyone’s happiness and distress from his own experience, and so becomes a sincere friend to all.
“he is aware of everyone's happiness and distress by dint of his own personal experience”
Lesson
Before asking “Why don’t they understand me?”, ask “Am I trying to understand them?”
Example
When your child fails an exam, first remember how your own failure once felt. Then speak.
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Speak the truth, kindly
anudvega-karaṁ vākyaṁ Bhagavad-gītā 17.15
What the verse says
Austerity of speech is speaking truthfully and beneficially, and avoiding speech that offends.
Read 17.15 in Bhagavad-gītā As It Is
Austerity of speech consists in speaking truthfully and beneficially and in avoiding speech that offends. One should also recite the Vedas regularly.
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains
Śrīla Prabhupāda says our words should not disturb other people’s minds, and that even true words should be pleasing to hear.
“One should not speak in such a way as to agitate the minds of others.”
Lesson
Being right is not enough. How you say it decides whether the truth helps or hurts.
Example
“You are always late!” starts a quarrel. “I worry when you are late; could you call me?” says the same truth in a way that helps.
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Be a kind friend, and do not take revenge
adveṣṭā sarva-bhūtānāṁ Bhagavad-gītā 12.13–14
What the verse says
The devotee dear to Kṛṣṇa is not envious, is a kind friend to all, does not think himself a proprietor, is free from false ego and stays equal in happiness and distress.
Read 12.13–14 in Bhagavad-gītā As It Is
One who is not envious but who is a kind friend to all living entities, who does not think himself a proprietor, who is free from false ego and equal both in happiness and distress, who is always satisfied and engaged in devotional service with determination and whose mind and intelligence are in agreement with Me—he is very dear to Me.
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains
Śrīla Prabhupāda says such a devotee never becomes his enemy’s enemy: he would rather tolerate than strike back.
“Nor does a devotee become his enemy's enemy”
Lesson
In a family quarrel, refuse to become the other person’s opponent. Patience and forgiveness keep the relationship; winning the argument can lose it.
Example
When a brother speaks harshly and you answer harshly, there are two angry people. If you stay kind, there is one calm person who can make peace.
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Respect your parents and elders
deva-dvija-guru-prājña- Bhagavad-gītā 17.14
What the verse says
The austerity of the body includes worship of the Supreme Lord, the brāhmaṇas, the spiritual master, and superiors like the father and mother.
Read 17.14 in Bhagavad-gītā As It Is
The austerity of the body consists in this: worship of the Supreme Lord, the brāhmaṇas, the spiritual master, and superiors like the father and mother. Cleanliness, simplicity, celibacy and nonviolence are also austerities of the body.
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains that we should offer, or learn to offer, respect to such superiors, including father and mother.
“These should be given proper respect.”
Lesson
Respect and gratitude at home are not just good manners. Kṛṣṇa counts them as austerity, a real spiritual practice.
Example
Touching your parents’ feet in the morning, or simply listening to them fully without looking at your phone, is this austerity in daily life.
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Do your duty, and lead by example
yad yad ācarati śreṣṭhas Bhagavad-gītā 3.21
What the verse says
Whatever a great person does, others follow; the standard he sets, the world pursues. And Kṛṣṇa asks us to act as a matter of duty, without being attached to the results 3.19.
Read 3.21 in Bhagavad-gītā As It Is
Whatever action is performed by a great man, common men follow in his footsteps. And whatever standards he sets by exemplary acts, all the world pursues.
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains that people learn from how a leader lives, not only from what he says, and gives a simple example.
“A leader cannot teach the public to stop smoking if he himself smokes.”
Lesson
Serve your family without making their thanks the condition. If you want them to become spiritual, let them see it in you first.
Example
Children learn to pray by seeing their parents pray every morning, not by being told to.
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Put Kṛṣṇa at the centre
samo ’haṁ sarva-bhūteṣu Bhagavad-gītā 9.29
What the verse says
Kṛṣṇa is equal to all, yet whoever serves Him with devotion is His friend, and He is theirs. After seeing His universal form, Arjuna asks Kṛṣṇa to bear with him “as a father with his son, or a friend with his friend, or a lover with his beloved” 11.44.
Read 9.29 in Bhagavad-gītā As It Is
I envy no one, nor am I partial to anyone. I am equal to all. But whoever renders service unto Me in devotion is a friend, is in Me, and I am also a friend to him.
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains Kṛṣṇa’s special care for His devotees with an example from family life itself.
“Any man in this material world may be very charitably disposed, yet he has a special interest in his own children.”
Lesson
Every loving relationship we know (parent and child, friends, husband and wife) has its original in our relationship with Kṛṣṇa. With Him at the centre, family love becomes purer, not weaker.
Example
When the spokes of a wheel are all fixed to the hub, they stay in place together. When each member of a family is connected to Kṛṣṇa, the family holds together too.
Make your home happy: Śrīla Prabhupāda’s four practices
In the same purport to 13.8–12, Śrīla Prabhupāda gives a simple way to make family life spiritual:
“The best process for making the home pleasant is Kṛṣṇa consciousness.”
- Chant Hare Kṛṣṇa together.
- Honour food first offered to Kṛṣṇa (prasādam).
- Discuss the Bhagavad-gītā and Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam.
- Worship the Deity at home.
“These four will make one happy. One should train the members of his family in this way.”
Attachment or love? Two ways to live in a family
| Material attachment | Spiritual love | Verse |
|---|---|---|
| “I want you to make me happy.” | “I want to add to your happiness.” | 6.32 |
| “You belong to me.” | “You are an eternal soul, and you belong to Kṛṣṇa.” | 2.13 |
| “I’ll serve you if you appreciate it.” | “I serve you as my duty, without conditions.” | 3.19 |
| “I want to control your choices.” | “I respect you and guide you with care.” | 13.8–12 |
| “Being right matters most.” | “Your welfare matters more than winning.” | 17.15 |
| “Your mood decides my peace.” | “My peace rests in Kṛṣṇa.” | 12.13–14 |
| “Our relationship is the goal.” | “Our relationship helps us both towards Kṛṣṇa.” | 9.29 |
Our reflections, each based on the verse named beside it.
Ask yourself
- Do I love my family members, or mainly what they give me?
- Do I try to understand them as much as I want them to understand me?
- Am I more interested in being right, or in keeping the relationship?
- Does the way I live help my family become better people and devotees?
- Is Kṛṣṇa at the centre of my relationships, or is my ego?
The essence
Loving Kṛṣṇa does not mean loving your family less. It means loving them better: without fear, without possessiveness, and always wishing for their real good.
Nonattachment never means neglecting someone’s welfare. If anyone at home is being harmed, seek help from people you trust.
The headings, explanations, lessons, examples, table and questions are ours, written to help you apply the verses. The Sanskrit lines, the verse translations and Śrīla Prabhupāda’s quoted words are from Bhagavad-gītā As It Is as published on vedabase.cc, unaltered.
All the verses for this topic
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Bhagavad-gītā 1.28–30
Arjuna said: My dear Kṛṣṇa, seeing my friends and relatives present before me in such a fighting spirit, I feel the limbs of my body quivering and my mouth drying up.
Show the other 2 verses of 1.28–30
My whole body is trembling, and my hair is standing on end. My bow Gāṇḍīva is slipping from my hand, and my skin is burning.
Bhagavad-gītā 1.29 I am now unable to stand here any longer. I am forgetting myself, and my mind is reeling. I foresee only evil, O killer of the Keśī demon.
Bhagavad-gītā 1.30 Why this verse is here
First reason – Compassion for relatives and the resultant bodily symptoms
From the study outline of the chapter
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains
From the purport to 1.28
Any man who has genuine devotion to the Lord has all the good qualities which are found in godly persons or in the demigods, whereas the nondevotee, however advanced he may be in material qualifications by education and culture, lacks in godly qualities. As such, Arjuna, just after seeing his kinsmen, friends and relatives on the battlefield, was at once overwhelmed by compassion for them who had so decided to fight amongst themselves. As far as his soldiers were concerned, he was sympathetic from the beginning, but he felt compassion even for the soldiers of the opposite party, foreseeing their imminent death. And so thinking, the limbs of his body began to quiver, and his mouth became dry. He was more or less astonished to see their fighting spirit. Practically the whole community, all blood relatives of Arjuna, had come to fight with him. This overwhelmed a kind devotee like Arjuna. …
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Bhagavad-gītā 1.39–43
With the destruction of dynasty, the eternal family tradition is vanquished, and thus the rest of the family becomes involved in irreligious practice.
Show the other 4 verses of 1.39–43
When irreligion is prominent in the family, O Kṛṣṇa, the women of the family become corrupt, and from the degradation of womanhood, O descendant of Vṛṣṇi, comes unwanted progeny.
Bhagavad-gītā 1.40 When there is increase of unwanted population, a hellish situation is created both for the family and for those who destroy the family tradition. In such corrupt families, there is no offering of oblations of food and water to the ancestors.
Bhagavad-gītā 1.41 Due to the evil deeds of the destroyers of family tradition, all kinds of community projects and family welfare activities are devastated.
Bhagavad-gītā 1.42 O Kṛṣṇa, maintainer of the people, I have heard by disciplic succession that those who destroy family traditions dwell always in hell.
Bhagavad-gītā 1.43 Why this verse is here
Fourth reason – Harmful effects of destroying the family
From the study outline of the chapter
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains
From the purport to 1.39
In the system of the varṇāśrama institution there are many principles of religious traditions to help members of the family grow properly and attain spiritual values. The elder members are responsible for such purifying processes in the family, beginning from birth to death. But on the death of the elder members, such family traditions of purification may stop, and the remaining younger family members may develop irreligious habits and thereby lose their chance for spiritual salvation. Therefore, for no purpose should the elder members of the family be slain.
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Bhagavad-gītā 5.29
The sages, knowing Me as the ultimate purpose of all sacrifices and austerities, the Supreme Lord of all planets and demigods and the benefactor and well-wisher of all living entities, attain peace from the pangs of material miseries.
Why this verse is here
Understanding Kṛṣṇa to be the only enjoyer, proprietor and the real friend of all, one attains real peace. (5.29 bhoktāraṁ yajña-tapasāṁ.)
From the thematic compilation Bhakti, the Topmost Yoga
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains
From the purport to 5.29
The conditioned souls within the clutches of illusory energy are all anxious to attain peace in the material world. But they do not know the formula for peace, which is explained in this part of the Bhagavad-gītā. The greatest peace formula is simply this: Lord Kṛṣṇa is the beneficiary in all human activities. Men should offer everything to the transcendental service of the Lord because He is the proprietor of all planets and the demigods thereon. No one is greater than He. He is greater than the greatest of the demigods, Lord Śiva and Lord Brahmā. In the Vedas the Supreme Lord is described as tam īśvarāṇāṁ paramaṁ maheśvaram. Under the spell of illusion, living entities are trying to be lords of all they survey, but actually they are dominated by the material energy of the Lord. …
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Bhagavad-gītā 9.29
I envy no one, nor am I partial to anyone. I am equal to all. But whoever renders service unto Me in devotion is a friend, is in Me, and I am also a friend to him.
Why this verse is here
Kṛṣṇa envies no one; He is impartial and equal to all. But a devotee who renders service unto Him is His friend. (9.29 samo 'haṁ sarva-bhūteṣu...)
From the thematic compilation Kṛṣṇa, the Supreme Personality of Godhead
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains
From the purport to 9.29
One may question here that if Kṛṣṇa is equal to everyone and no one is His special friend, then why does He take a special interest in the devotees who are always engaged in His transcendental service? But this is not discrimination; it is natural. Any man in this material world may be very charitably disposed, yet he has a special interest in his own children. The Lord claims that every living entity—in whatever form—is His son, and as such He provides everyone with a generous supply of the necessities of life. He is just like a cloud which pours rain all over, regardless whether it falls on rock or land or water. But for His devotees, He gives specific attention. Such devotees are mentioned here: they are always in Kṛṣṇa consciousness, and therefore they are always transcendentally situated in Kṛṣṇa. …
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Bhagavad-gītā 11.41–44
I have in the past addressed You as “O Kṛṣṇa,” “O Yādava,” “O my friend,” without knowing Your glories. Please forgive whatever I may have done in madness or in love. I have dishonored You many times while relaxing or while lying on the same bed or eating together, sometimes alone and sometimes in front of many friends. Please excuse me for all my offenses.
Show the other 2 verses of 11.41–44
You are the father of this complete cosmic manifestation, the worshipable chief, the spiritual master. No one is equal to You, nor can anyone be one with You. Within the three worlds, You are immeasurable.
Bhagavad-gītā 11.43 You are the Supreme Lord, to be worshiped by every living being. Thus I fall down to offer You my respects and ask Your mercy. Please tolerate the wrongs that I may have done to You and bear with me as a father with his son, or a friend with his friend, or a lover with his beloved.
Bhagavad-gītā 11.44 Why this verse is here
Apologies – for offenses committed in friendly relationship.
From the study outline of the chapter
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains
From the purport to 11.41–42
Although Kṛṣṇa is manifested before Arjuna in His universal form, Arjuna remembers his friendly relationship with Kṛṣṇa and is therefore asking pardon and requesting Him to excuse him for the many informal gestures which arise out of friendship. He is admitting that formerly he did not know that Kṛṣṇa could assume such a universal form, although He explained it as his intimate friend. Arjuna did not know how many times he may have dishonored Him by addressing Him as "O my friend, O Kṛṣṇa, O Yādava," etc., without acknowledging His opulence. But Kṛṣṇa is so kind and merciful that in spite of such opulence He played with Arjuna as a friend. Such is the transcendental loving reciprocation between the devotee and the Lord. The relationship between the living entity and Kṛṣṇa is fixed eternally; it cannot be forgotten, as we can see from the behavior of Arjuna. …
Everyday questions answered by these verses
Related topics
Each verse is linked to this topic by a statement in our primary study source, shown under “Why this verse is here”. The verses and Śrīla Prabhupāda’s words are quoted from Bhagavad-gītā As It Is, unaltered.